Ohne Wertung, nur bemerkt.

The cause for all this commotion was an interview with my cities newspaper. One of the journalists was writing an article about bloggers of the region and I was the non-anonymous, female blogger she found through the regional blogging channels. All in all the interview went surprisingly well. I didn’t say anything (really) stupid. I felt helpful. The journalist seemed to have done her research well and looked at this site. She asked specific questions, which helped me talk about blogging. I couldn’t recommend other women bloggers from Stuttgart to her though, I don’t know any that are not anonymous. So I had a rather good experience with her.

Later though, on my way to work I was analysing the interview and noticed that I had left out a few things, some that are very important if you want to know who I am, or my motivation for blogging. Things I left out include the feminist blog I am an author for^[1]. I think I also forgot the frog and duck blog, which is really a pity, because its fun. I also downplayed my political activity, even though I am thinking of increasing it and it being really important to me.

Part of the reason might have been vanity, but I think the more important part is trying to transport a picture of a professional, passionate science blogger. I wanted to appear serious, rational and and strong. And I wanted to conform to the image other people have of me. The size of the newspaper makes it entirely likely that someone I work with reads the article when it appears. So with this in the back of my mind I was answering questions. I was continually imagining that my boss read the article. I don’t mind him coming here, I don’t mind him knowing I write for a chocolate blog, but I do mind him knowing I am very much engaged in politics and in the feminist blogosphere.

First I thought that I mind because I am afraid he will like me less. But on second thought I mind because I think it will make him judge me more harshly. Open feminism does this to people. Being openly political does this to people. I was afraid for my letter of recommendation. Maybe that is a thought that is silly at this point, seeing that I am not likely to finish my PhD for another 20 month. But it is what I felt.

I now understand the whole pseudonymous blogging better. I also understand much better why especially women blog anonymously. It plays into the whole thing about why women have different letters of recommendation. It plays into the research that having a female nic in a chat makes it more likely for you to be subjected to sexualised messages. In the end women on the net are still under attack and it is expedient to be anonymous so that you get reprive at least in your everyday life. So that you can be honest at least on your blog. Well, I am sick of this. I want to be a whole person. I want to be the whole complex person I am. Maybe I will experience repercussions,^[2] but I feel that I owe it to myself to tell the entire story about myself.

1. I’m afraid I haven’t even told my bestest friend. [↩]
2. Some (male) students of mine have already found the feminist blog. They were somewhat dismayed that their hawt teacher was a man eating feminist. They were stupid enough to publish this on a public forum for their course. [↩]

I remember that Jules from James’ Empty Blog was talking about

“I am woman I do science and I’m not telling you my name” blogs.

I think she found them boring. Something about not seeing the problem. It was rather interesting to watch how the others got kind of angry and were then surprised at Jules’ conclusion. Female Science Professor jumped in with a story about a creepy technician and how her students handled the situation.

All ruffled feathers being smoothed again, I wandered over to the kitchen to find Addy N. of What an Untenured College Professor Should Not Be Doing and Science Mama the Mother of All Scientists talking about babys, the tenure track and how the love of science sometimes gets lost underneath all the problems.

As I’m sure all of the newer mom blogger-academics can attest- it is really hard having a baby on the tenure track.

They always say that after you have a baby, your relationships tend to suffer. And my relationship with science has probably suffered the most.

PhD Mom entered the conversation

Amazingly and without provocation the discussion at my departmental holiday lunch party consisted almost entirely of evaluation of the work-life balance issue and trying to get more women in STEM.

I took the pot with the hot chocolate over to fill cups for people on the sofa. There Cherish was asking

Do I really want to spend four to five years away from my family, working on a completely new degree at what will probably be a very intense program? (And do I really want to take my chances with another program like that?) Do I want to possibly end up with an advisor who expects me to be a workaholic? Do I want to pull my husband away from a job he loves? Do I want to take all of us away from our families? If I go my myself, wouldn’t it be awful to see my family once a week or once a month?!

Update: Before FemaleCSGradstudent replied, Doc-in-Training told us the secrets to success (too bad for all those that weren’t listening:

Certainly, his brilliancy plays a major role. Colleagues have been saying that Talented Professor must have an IQ of 200+. Nah. I dunno. Maybe or maybe not. But he sure is quick and sharp. But does it mean that normal person like me has no chance to reach his level of success?!

Cherish still seemed to really need encouragement. FemaleCSGradstudent then told an allegory:

“You should be like Jenny. Jenny is our best child, all grown up now. She has made hundreds of beautiful stained glass windows all over the world.”

It didn’t really fit with what Cherish said, but I was too busy to wonder. Female Science Professor, who had sat down next to Cherish then ranted a little about how

Criticizing someone for being aggressive is a cheap way to undermine them. What does it even mean?

I think she wanted to encourage her to be assertive. I was saved from further contemplation of this convoluted conversation by EcoGeoFemme, the Happy Scientist, who brought out a toast to all Science Women she met in the last year. We opened Champagne and as the afternoon wore on some grew quite tippsy.

This naturally led to reviews of achievments past. Amanda, a Lady Scientist, told of passing exams and how

Suddenly, it feels, that I started mentoring my own undergrads and being responsible (entirely) for my projects.

Field Notes also seemed to be very content about her year:

This year was a one of the best years I’ve had in recent memory.

Unfortunately she seems to be leaking from the pipeline. Jenn from FairerScience also had a great 2007. Jenny F. Scientist, A Natural Scientist, wasn’t too happy with how her year ended, especially not with the gratuitious behaviour from her relatives:

Although I forget from year to year, it’s always lovely to be reminded how some of you think your narrow, circumscribed experiences are comprehensive.

Mrswhatsit echoed the sentiment:

Dear 2007, Well, our relationship has come to an end. I gotta admit, I’ve been thinking like maybe that’s a good thing.

A Mad Hatter and the Newbie Early to Bed both chose to rather draw mid-academic year reviews rather than year end reviews:

One of the things that has always bothered me about academic research is the culture of single-minded dedication to work and science, and the lack of tolerance for one’s life and interests outside of lab.

Ten things to do the year you are coming up for tenure. (in addition to working your tushy off)

They seemed quite comfortable together, so I left them to listen in on Science Womans

Here’s my take on the top 10 women in science stories of 2007

That Scientiae was at the top was quite flattering to all those there and recieved cheers all around.

In an aside to me PhD me confessed

I have an inordinate fear of falling. Frankly, it terrifies me; my heart was in my throat as soon as I started sliding and knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I assured her that many could emphasise and went to refill my champagne glass. Meanwhile Skookumchick was teling us her reasons for selfimprovment next year

You say you’re a feminist engineer. You say you believe in academic freedom, the thing that tenure is supposed to protect. You tell yourself that you want to be an aligned and balanced faculty member who clears a path for others to have an easier time of it after you, who speaks truth to power in her department and school, who helps engineers see themselves as feminists and work towards making a feminist engineering discipline.

Science Girl, whose Cat got Killed by Curiosity, wants to

So, this year I resolve to work on accepting the things I cannot change. Take a deep breath and repeat after me: “Things beyond my control do not reflect on my ability to succeed.” With regained trust in myself, I resolve to work on changing the things I can.

Jane confessed she thinks that

When I look back on what really disappointed me about 2007, the thing that jumps out at me is that I often stand in my own way.

I went to Propter Doc who was sitting a little aside and asked wether she had made any resolutions. Her answer

No chance!

Geeky Mom instead said

Me? I’m a bit of a self-improvement junkie. I love making resolutions and I don’t mind if I don’t make it. It’s the thought that counts. So here’s what I’m thinking for this year.

I kind of drifted of on my on thoughts about how everything will be better in 2008. It was evening and had been a long day. I felt drunk on champagne and companionship. I went to bed happy, and thinking of all the wonderful parties to come in 2008.

Du bist eingeladen!

Was? Neujahrs Scientiea Carnival Party
Wann? Neujahrstag
Wo? hdreioplus.de

Bitte bringt Blogeinträge und Knabbersachen mit. Getränke werden bereit gestellt.

Wenn ihr einen Eintrag mitbringt, schicktihn bis zum 31. Dezember 13 Uhr (MEZ) an scientiaecarnival [a] gmail [dt] com. Alles andere wird nur bedingt, durch die Gastgeberin, aufgenommen. Tagged den Eintrag auch mit dem Technorati-tag “scientiae-carnival”.

Ein paar Ideen:

Ein Eintrag mit einem Jahresrückblick
Ein Eintrag mit guten Vorsätzen
Ein Eintrag mit wusstet-ihr-schon Faktor
Ein Eintrag wie nächstes Jahr alles anders sein wird
Ein Eintrag …

Seid kreativ!

Ich freue mich auf eure Gegenwart! Eure Gastgeberin Jokerine.

Ich habe nur anekdotsiche Beweise, aber ich habe einige Frauen getroffen die versessener darauf waren Wissenschaften zu studieren nachdem ihnen jemand gesagt hat sie können es nicht. Ich nenne ihn jetzt den Du-kannsts-nicht-Faktor. Er wirkt in allen Situationen, in denen eine Person sagt, dass du X nicht kannst und du dann versuchst X zu tun bis es klappt, nur ums der Person zu zeigen.

Aber der Du-kannsts-nicht-Faktor wirkt nur dann wenn es etwas zu multiplizieren gibt. Eine Person muss schon WissenschaftlerIn sein wollen damit der Faktor zum tragen kommt. Sie muss stark sein. Dann können so schmähende Aussagen antreiben, sie können Ambitionen erzeugen und Motivation geben, wenn es ansonsten dürftig ist. Wenn jemand allerdings eh schon gegen Wissenschaften eingestellt ist, dann werden die Statements sie zum aufhören bringen. Die Aussagen werden sie zermürben und zum Glauben bringen, dass sie tatsächlich nicht gut genug sind. Zwar habe ich den Faktor schon erlebt, aber auch viele Frauen aufhören sehen.

Tja, eigentlich wollte ich einen netten Beitrag schreiben, darüber wie man die Debatte überwinden kann, aber was solls? Es läuft darauf hinaus, dass es egal ist, ob Frauen biologisch das sind und Männer etwas anderes, denn es sind selbsterfüllende Vorhersagen. Wenn man etwas oft genug sagt, wird es wahr.

1. Waren dumm, sind dumm, werden immer dum sein [↩]

Frage: Wo will ich sein?

Ich habe die Frage gestellt in dem Glauben, dass ich nach der Antwort suchen muss. Wenn ich aber ehrlich bin, dann weiß ich genau wo ich sein will. Ehrlichkeit ist schwierig so wie diesen Aufsatz zu schreiben.. Es ist sehr persönlich und seine Seele offen legen ist immer sehr schwierig. Es gibt so viele Faktoren die mich davon abhalten offen mit mir selber zu sein und meinen eigenen Weg zu gehen. Einmal brauch ich Nahrung und ein Dach über dem Kopf. Ich werde für meine Arbeit, die etwas Lehre beinhaltet aber vor allem Forschung ist, bezahlt. Ich habe Sorge, dass ich ohne Dr. nicht den Respekt und die Unterstützung kriege die ich brauche um das zu tun was ich tun will. Natürlich hat meine Arbeit auch viele positive Aspekte. Wenn es die nicht gäbe, dann wäre ich gestern schon verschwunden. Ich habe Zugang zu Fortbildungen und genug Muße um nachzudenken. Dinge die ich in vielen anderen Szenarien nicht hätte. Ich habe eine Praktikumgleitung und genug Freiraum um mit neuen Methoden zu experimentieren. Ich habe viele Dinge für dich dankbar bin, aber ich bin nicht ganz zufrieden. Was würde ich also machen wenn ich mich nicht darum kümmern müsste meine Grundbedürfnisse zu sichern? Eh ich anfing Chemie zu studieren wollte ich zwei Dinge sein: Künstlerin oder Lehrerein. Ich sah nicht, dass ich talentiert genug war um mit ersterem meinen Lebensunterhalt zu verdienen und wollte das wissenschaftliche Denken nicht missen. Ich hoffte das ein Chemiestudium die Möglichkeit geben würde Lehrerin zu werden, entweder an einer Schule oder einer Hochschule. Außerdem lerne ich einfach gerne neue Sachen. Ich bin immer neugierig. Und jetzt? Ich bin immer noch an den zwei Sachen interessiert. Außer das ich jetzt sehe wie im Arsch unser Bildungssystem ist. So, dass es schier unmöglich, zumindest aber sehr schwer ist gut informierte, rationale, man könnte auch sagen aufgeklärte Bürger auszubilden, wenn keine starken Talente in der Richtung vorhanden sind. Und ich? Ich möchte es mit dem System ausfechten. Ich möchte es in den Grundfesten erschüttern und etwas besseres bauen, oder zumindest meinen Teil dazu beitragen um Veränderungen zu bewirken. Zudem möchte ich neue Methoden entwickeln um Wissenschaft näher an die alltäglichen Erfahrungen der Menschen zu bringen. Ich sehe immer wieder, dass die Menschen das wissen wollen, was ich ihnen beibringen kann. Sie wissen oft bloß nicht wie sie fragen sollen. Ich bin mir sicher, dass ich Wege finden kann um diesen Spalt zu überbrücken. Das will ich tun. So viele Ideen schwirren durch meinen Kopf, konkrete und flauschige und ich brauche Zeit sie vorsichtig durchzudenken. Deshalb bleibe ich wo ich bin. Ich kann des Nächtens von meinem Wissenschaftskrimibuch oder meinem Rent-a-Scientist Service träumen. Am Tag werde ich weiter die langweilige mittelmäßige brilliante^[2] Wissenschaftlerin sein. Ich hoffe bloß, dass ich genug Motivation finde um ein paar Kristalle zu züchten. Und die Kunst? Die wird immer im Hinterkopf darauf warten entfesselt zu werden. Im Moment bin ich bastelwütig. Ich liebe die Momente in denen ich zum leichten Surren meiner Nähmaschine oder dem sanften Rauschen des Papiers beim Schneiden entspannen kann.

Alles in allem ists in Ordnung, es könnte besser sein, aber ihr wisst wie das ist… Umstände.

1. zumindest war das so als ich den Entwurf geschrieben hab [↩]
2. :P [↩]

Ich wollte eigentlich für den nächsten Scientiae Carnival einen Beitrag schreiben, aber nach dem ich die Gedankenkarte gemacht habe ist mir aufgefallen, dass ich niemals einen kohärenten Artikel daraus machen könnte. Es sind nur Gedanken die ich hatte in keiner festen Reihnfolge. Also poste ich einfach die Karte so wie sie ist, in der Hoffnung, dass sie euch was nützt. Irgendwann werde ich auch richtige Beiträge daraus machen.

Here is my first draft for a logo for the Scientiae Carnival. It is still missing one.I think some color would do it good. Any suggestions? (Here is a larger version)

How would you feel? How would you feel as female scientist? What would you do? Would you do anything at all?

It’s interesting how much is implied by such a short statement. Like, how heroic the speaker feels making comments like this in the face of a feminist woman^[1]. Or the way female scientist is implicitly linked to the sexual degradation. One would have to almost call it clever how the speaker reminds all persons present of not only his disdain for women, but also that female scientist is only a woman^[2].

I wouldn’t be writing about it, but it is disturbing my cool calm collectedness, so I would be interested in how you would handle this situation, man or woman.

1. Damn those feminazis sure make life hard with their PC thing [↩]
2. OK, that’s obvious, but doesn’t necessarily have to be the defining characteristic. [↩]